Okay, so the past few days I've been so bored at my job. I know, everyone gets bored with their job, but I know that I'm smarter and more creative than what this job requires me to be-that being said, I know I also have a great job. It is low stress, and I can work from home two days a week at my own pace, as long as I get the job done and my deadlines are met. Still, I feel like I have some higher purpose for my life that I'm missing. I don't know what it is, but I just feel like I'm letting life pass me by, and it's going all too quickly. Maybe I'm feeling this way because everything at work is so busy right now, that even when I get home, my "free-time" has to be devoted to work. I wouldn't mind this if I felt like what I do was making a difference in the world, but that is not how I feel. I always assumed that working in a non-profit enviroment would be so rewarding, but I just don't feel that way at all.
To be perfectly honest about this whole "life" issue I've been dealing with, it's really more than just work related. I'm surrounded by successful and talented friends. I know, everyone thinks that about their friends, but I'm serious. One of my best friends is a fashion designer that lives in NYC , trains for marathons, and makes wedding cakes in her spare time. The girl has no end to what she can do-and I'm proud that she calls me her friend. Another one of my best friends is so smart, and works in the science field. I feel like she knows everything about anything, and just had a new baby. She makes the new baby thing look so easy-though I know that she doesn't feel it's easy. Finally, another one of my friends is a scrapbook genius. She's witty, and a great writer, too. Friend #3 is a very crafty person-I think she's probably wonderful at any craft that's out there. These are just a few examples of my talented friends-I'm not going to go through the whole list, but you get the idea. I look at my life, and wonder, what am I doing? Am I really living life to it's fullest or am I just letting it all go by? I just don't want to wake up one morning and all of a sudden realize that the best years of my life have pasted me by, and I have nothing to show for it.
{By the way, I know I have comparison issues-always have, and always will. That's a whole separate post-believe me, my therapist could tell you.}
I went to a work lunch the other day (and maybe this is what has promped all of these "deep thoughts"), and one of my superiors asked me what I like to do in my spare time. Now, this is the first time I was meeting this person, so I was prepared for her to ask this question...sort of. When the question finally came out, and my answer was stated out loud, I felt....sad. There wasn't really much said on my part. It was something like, "I have a two year old son, and I like taking care of him. When I'm not pregnant I run in my spare time." That was about it. I mean really, "I like taking care of my kid"-who doesn't? Plus, it's a requirement. I'm sure I left this woman with a memorable impression. I've never ever in my life been good at answering the "what are your dreams?" "what are your talents?" "what makes you unique?" type of questions.
So, since I realize this is an issue for me, the next step is-how do I deal with it? I'm dumb founded. I have no idea. I'm trying though. I guess that's my approach so far, just get out there and try some things. Maybe I will discover some hidden talent or passion that I just haven't stumbled upon. I'm signed up to take a few classes, so hopefully something fruitful will come of it.
2 comments:
Hi Michelle,
I just discovered your personal blog. I don't know if you'll read this since you posted so long ago. I can totally relate to what you're saying. I have thought similar things plenty of times, even when I was working full time. I think it's definitely worth some self-reflection to figure out what makes you the most unique and what you most enjoy. One of my favorite quotes describes a calling as the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need. There are some great books out there that can help you think through this -- browse on Amazon and then check some out at the library!
It's so easy to compare ourselves to others, but sometimes what we're meant to do isn't what would most impress others or stand out. I have a friend who wishes she had the kind of job that made people say "wow -- that's amazing!" Sometimes seeking after that could mean not being true to ourselves.
I hope you'll get the chance to do some self-examination or maybe try some new things, like the sewing classes. But don't forget that there is nothing more significant you could do than raising Sam to be a great human being. I think there are certain seasons of life where we have more time for things than others, and having a preschooler (and soon a baby!) at home is just one of those seasons where there isn't enough time for us. Make the most of this season for what it is -- soon enough Sam and Mia will be in school all day and you'll have a bit more time to put toward your unique purpose outside of being a mom. Love you!
Wow Squiggy!
You put my thoughts that I think every single day down to read just then! I have had, have currently, and probably will always have these similar feelings. I too thought my career would be devoted to bigger, better (or that's how I thought of them) things that would make a difference in the world. I have thought many times "well I should really be doing this with my life instead" but basically, it comes down to the fact that I'm too afraid to jump in to the unknown or other times I realize that I am ok living an "ordinary" life. . .I have seen those people with "extraordinary" lives and they usually aren't all that much happier than ordinary folks. But then the whole crazy cycle starts again when I question myself if I'm "settling" for something subpar.
Do I have answers for you? Nope, sorry. But I just think it helps to remind ourselves what we have in our lives and be greatful for those things & people. There is so much pain/violence/sorrow in this world that we should be greatful that those things don't touch us on a daily basis.
And also, I just wanted to say that you should never be ashamed to say that your hobbies include enjoying taking care of your children when people ask! You take it for granted that everyone "loves" doing that, but there are many who just take kids for granted, have children for all the wrong reasons or tolerate them at best. Trust me, I know from personal experience and have seen it in others. You have made something pretty great for yourself with the family that you've created. I must confess. . .I myself am quite envious of what you've created so take that to heart. To me, you are one of the people I compare my life to and feel inadequete when compared. ;) I would love to have what you have. . .but doubt I ever will. It's actually kind of funny to me to hear that you compare yourself to someone else when I do the same thing to you. ;)
You might feel a little afloat right now but I know my Ziggy and she'll find her way. She's a strong, passionate, ferociously loyal woman who always comes out on top. I think we as humans all feel this way at times. . .or at least women do. ;) As we near or reach our 30th birthday, doesn't it feel kind of like we are teenagers again. . .not in the crazy hormonal way, but how all our doubts about the future arise and the uncertainty can become overwhelming? I don't know where I'll be 5 years from now, let alone 10 years. People ask that all the time and I haven't any answers for them and feel like a fool that I don't.
(Sigh). . .a lot of think about. . .more questions than answers.
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